Backstage

The Third Unforeseen Option...

Late last week, I pulled from my mailbox a strange little card... It was the size of a business card, and looked basically like one, except that the name and phone number was hand written... You know, with a pen... Not just printed to look that way... Now that seems like a crappy way to make a business card to me, but then I looked at it more closely... Obviously this was placed in my mailbox by hand, which if I recall is illegal unless you work for the postal service, because it had no address, or stamp... On further inspection, in very small type at the bottom, was "US Government Form ####-##" or something along those lines... So apparently, the government prints generic cards for the people that work for the department in question... What office you say?... Well the Office Of Personnel Management... Under the person's name, but before the phone number was the word INVESTIGATOR, in all caps... Now, am I really supposed to be impressed with this thing?... The rest of the card rants on about how I may have information regarding someone I may or may not know, and that I should call this person to set up a personal interview... The area code was for DC... That was it... Now, if I didn't have free long distance, I might have blown it off except that my girlfriend works for NOAA, and it was possible that they were finally getting around to checking her background so she couldn't pose a security risk from looking at algae from space... So I called, and the person actually answered at 5 minutes to 5... She answered the phone as "insert name here... INVESTIGATOR" I almost dropped the phone laughing... At any rate, Once I found out it wasn't my girlfriend, I thought it must be one of the guys I went to college with that work in the aerospace industry, and have crazy clearances already... Mind you, I haven't seen or talked to these guys in years, but I still hear about them... Well eventually I managed to beat a name out of Ms INVESTIGATOR, and I swear to you I didn't know it... So I asked how it was that the government thought I might or might not know something about this person, and she told me that the person lives in my neighborhood, and could we schedule an interview for the next morning?... Two things struck me there... 1) I didn't know the name so what good could I theoretically be, and 2) I do have a job, and while I have a flexible schedule, she couldn't possibly know that, unless she had already been asking my other neighbors about me... which led me down other mental paths, but they're not important right now... So I asked for the name again, and was told, and then she started asking if I was in the blue and brown house... Now I'm getting a bit creeped out... Yes, I'm in the blue and brown house... Well apparently the person under INVESTIGATION is one of the neighbors to my right as I look at the house.... Sure, I've met them... They have a couple kids, they're lesbians, I don't like their landscaping, they don't like my landscaping, and that's about the sum total of what I know.... Hell I can't remember the names now... So I tried to explain to the INVESTIGATOR, that I was fairly new to the area, and I really didn't talk to my neighbors, and I'm basically a hermit in my house, but she just really wanted to have that interview... I explained that I'd be happy to take time out of my life to talk to her about someone I knew, but I would not waste my time, or my tax dollars paying her salary to get together with here to tell her I didn't know the person... She said she would be in the area anyway to talk to the other neighbors, and it would be no trouble, and I reiterated that I wouldn't waste MY time, ignoring the wasted tax money for the moment... I then explained that I had nothing against the government, or the OPM, and that I had gone through background checks myself, and had interviews about other people in the past, but that I really had nothing to contribute to this INVESTIGATION... She said fine and hung up....

Why do I get the feeling there is now a red mark next to my name in a folder someplace... Personally I think she was feeling just a bit too self-important... She probably used to work for the IRS...