Wait... What's this... A post?... The world must be about to end...
Today's rant is brought to you courtesy of a railing... Not just any railing mind you, but a specific one that is currently making my life a living hell...
Railings are a source of constant headache for most scene shops... Why, you ask?... Well there are a few reasons... The first and most common is that in a lot of cases, as a stagehand you don't really feel they are needed in some places, so you get annoyed... That's not really a valid reason, but it happens... Next, is that they almost always get left to the last moment to do if they're simply backstage safety rails, since unless you finish the front of the scenery, nobody is going to need the backstage railings.... So you end up hacking something together late in the load in, and it sucks, and you're tired, and you just don't give a damn about the talent getting a splinter from it... Another reason they suck so much is that they are getting installed on scenery... That's right, that concrete wall the railing is mounted to only looks like concrete, it's actually a 1/4" of luan with some nice paint work, so in reality, it's crap... Yet, somehow, the director wants the 300# actor to drag himself up the stairs using it, and can't stand the thought of the wall shaking...
Those are the most common issues with railings on stage shows... Sadly, that isn't really my problem right now... We're working on a massive corporate meeting for one of our usual clients. The design is absolutely gorgeous as far as I'm concerned... Here's the problem... The railings have to be attached to another company's decking that has only 4 boltable points on it on a 4' x 8' deck... That's one in each corner folks... Highly annoying... That however can be overcome, and I've pretty much solved that aspect... Next is the fact that they want the railings to be made from plexiglass... Well, at almost $500 per sheet for the thickness they specified, that blew the budget pretty quickly... So next I went to a framed panel of plexi, and posts... Sadly posts cost too much to have aesthetically pleasing ones... So now we're a few post companies down the road and still have no solution... But wait, there's more... This railing isn't for actors, its for executives... These people are going to come in to the room, and sit around in the comfortable "conversation nooks" the designer has created, and I guarantee that they're going to lean against the railings hard...
Now, let me break it down a bit... Here are the problems... 1) the railing needs to have the right "look" 2) the railing needs to be 100% rock solid 3) the entire show, including the railings need to load-in in 36 hours (sounds like a lot, except that we're building around 500 separate items that all have to be bolted together, and we're not the only company involved) 4) they don't want to spend what it would cost to do it right...
That's the recipe folks... And you set that in the oven and cook for 1 month, and in the end you have a spectacular event... The problem is they are trying to dictate the end results without adding the proper ingredients...
And someplace in this month (with 3 other shows besides the huge one) I will be closing on my new (highly used) house... Like I'm going to have time to move... Geesh...
As one might guess, buying a home is accomplished not simply by finding the place, and moving in... The amount of paperwork involved in this process astounds me every day... I got a package from my mortgage company yesterday, with a copy of the loan application, a couple info pamphlets, and a sheet telling me what else they wanted from me... Now mind you, this is a "no-doc" mortgage... That means I'm not supposed to have to document everything, and in return, I pay a higher interest rate... I went that way, because honestly, I would have a hell of a hard time actually documenting my income to their satisfaction... At any rate, they're requesting some documentation of income (tax returns, so no huge hassle apart from burning up printer paper, and ink), bank account statements (ok, that's a problem since I shred them after I read them... thank god for online banking)copies of my investment information (hey what happened to the no-doc idea... good thing I have no investments) They want the name and contact info of my employer (um... I'm self employed... Here's my cell phone number you idiots), pay stub (um, I get profit distribution checks, so there isn't a payroll stub... hello, I'm SELF EMPLOYEED!)...
That was all on the first page... After that I need to sign and initial about 40 sheets of legalese... I get through about 6 sheets before passing out each time... Talk about a cure for insomnia...
I can't wait to get into it with the new insurance company I contacted... They already got a copy of the home inspection... That's 14 pages right off the bat...
I imagine by the time I get to closing, my hand will be so cramped, I won't be able to sign another thing... (note to self, sign a couple checks before going... geesh...)
So as those couple people that actually still come here have noticed, I've been a bit lax in posting... As I mentioned in my last post, I'm buying a house, and it needs help... That is a sure fire source of material to blog about, so I imagine that will help me a bit... I'm moving my girlfriend almost 3 hours from me at the turn of the new year, and while that is about the worst thing I can imagine having to do, I suppose it will free up some time for me to get back to this...
Now, here's the reason for today's rant... For those that have never purchased a home, this may seem silly, but it's reality, and I'm sure someone you know that has gone through this can confirm its real... You start naturally by finding a house... Most people go to a realtor, and the realtor finds possible homes, but I did my search through the net, and just contacted the listing realtor if I was seriously interested... So I found my place, and went through the walk through, gave them the price, we haggled and settled on the final number... So far, while it was frustrating, it seemed pretty simple... Now the fun begins... The contract goes to Attourney Review... The lawyers for both parties try to out-do the other in putting in clauses, and conditions to protect their client... It goes back and forth between them, and eventually it comes back out of review. Usually it takes 3 days... Mine went 8 days... Ugh... Next I called the mortgage company I had contacted earlier to get a pre-approval so that I could get the actual loan... I'm not going to go in to the details there, but this has consumed 5 days of my life I can't get back, and we're not done yet... Today, I called an insurance provider to start down the homeowners insurance road... They grilled me for 30 minutes about the place. When we got to the electrical system in the house, there was a problem... The house has fuses right now... They say Oh... I say I'm getting breakers put in a couple days after closeing prior to moving in... They say they can't write a policy for a house with fuses... I say I can't bloody well replace the panel before I own the house, the mortgage company won't give me the loan without having insurance, and you won't write a policy untill I perform work I can't until I own the place... Have you noticed the circular paradox?... I'm now 2 supervisors up the food chain there, and they all seem very confused about the whole situation... I bloody well know I'm not the only person that has ever purchased a house with fuses... I would be willing to bet I will have that panel changed out faster than 95% of the people that have somehow purchased the house with the dreaded fuses... I swear the entire experience is about as miserable as they can possibly make it...
Just give me the money, the insurance and the keys, and nobody will get hurt!!!
And I haven't even gotten to the survey, and closeing yet... What a way to spend on of the busier parts of my year...